Friday, November 19, 2010

29 and feeling fine?

disclaimer: i wrote this, not as a sob story, but as a testimony of what God is doing in my life.
not because of where i have been, but where i am going.
as an explanation of the sparse, surfacy posts that have sprinkled my blog over the past year.
and maybe, just maybe, there is someone out there who needs this.
(and p.s. not for belated happy birthday wishes).

wednesday was my birthday.

i turned 29.

and i am, oh, so glad 28 is over.

honestly, 28 was a really hard year for me.
i have struggled with postpartum depression.
i have never felt so alone.
i have struggled with probably the lowest self-esteem E-V-E-R. in my life.
i have been very hard to love.
i have struggled with anger and resentment.
as a result of the above, our marriage has struggled.
i have been a very bad friend, wife, sister, daughter...well, you get the picture.
and, yes, i have even thought about taking my own life.

i have, so many times, wanted to sit down and write about what I have been going through...
but some things have always stopped me.
pride, not wanting to admit that I am not perfect, and neither is my life.
the feeling that "so many people have way bigger/more serious problems than me".
thoughts like "no one will understand", "they will think i am crazy", "i should just be thankful
that not only do I have a baby, he is healthy." "i need to just suck it up".
i have felt guilty because I have friends who are struggling with infertility.
not wanting to discourage anyone else.
trying to focus on the postive.
not wanting anyone to feel sorry for me.
listening to people tell me that my feelings were normal.

but yet, all these thoughts and feelings (and lies) have only further isolated me.
and made things even worse.

I went to the doctor.
I prayed about it.
Begged God to take it away.
Begged God to never let me feel this way ever again.
Considered getting counseling.
I took an anti-depressant for a while.

While I wouldn't say I am "healed"...
I would say things are SO much better.
And yes, I realize that some of this was hormone related. 
I am still working through some of the things I mentioned above.
But I feel like another part of me getting better is finally admitting to you, my friends and family,
that I am sooooo not perfect. Which you all knew already. :) haha.
And all this has been hiding behind the "we are doing greats." and "I am doing fines."

I so struggle with being a perfectionist.
But in the worst way.
I hate it about myself.
Really. hate. it.
I always want things to be cleaner. better. prettier. bigger. more creative. etc.
I have a hard time being still, relaxing, and enjoying myself because of it.
I obsess about things that have, not one ounce, of eternal value.
Perfectionism is a happiness killer and a joy stealer.
For me it is a sin, because it seperates me from Him.
And it has wreaked havoc on my life since becoming a mom.

Satan has totally had a stronghold on my messed-up life.

And I am tired. of. it.

i want to be better free.

i want to be real.

i want to come clean before i have done before Him.

Christ was/is perfect for me.

And now...Hello 29!!! It's so nice to see you!


Cathryn said...

You know what, 28 was the hardest year for me too. I can tell you though, it does get better. I feel like I wasted my kids' earlier years being so worried about trying to survive rather than soaking it all up and really enjoying them. They are now 14 and 11 and I will never get those years back. I had some of those same struggles that you talked about...even the really ugly ones. You aren't alone, I promise. And it will get better. I will be praying for you.

Roxanne said...

Crazy, isn't it, 28 was my worst year, too! What is it about that age?
I seriously could write the same words (minus the baby/mom part). The unachievable desire for perfection leaves us feeling empty, because that's not where we find our purpose or our calling. Yet, we find ourselves there again and again.
Your honesty is refreshing, and it's nice to know we're not in this alone! I pray that you'll find the balance you need and find your comfort in Him!

Oh...and happy belated birthday! :)

steph said...

Hollie girl, I love you! thanks for being real. It's hard to be real in the "perfect" world, but it is the path to freedom!. When I finally admitted I was losing my mind, and I coldn't fix it, and went to counseling, it was a turning point in my life. Praying that freedom in Christ will bring new joy in #29! :)

Chris, Lauren and Gage said...

I. am. so. proud. of. you. I have always loved you, and been thankful for you, but today, in a big way, you made our Father smile! I love you!!!

kylie said...

Wow! I am amazed by the realness! I have always said that God takes you down good and bad roads for a reason. I have had times before where I thought life couldnt get much worse but i got through it and i later realized that i grew tremedous from it! I look back on it and i grew so much as a person and my faith grew so much! I then see the good and appreciate it so much more! My new thing that gets me through life is that there is always hope, trust, and faith with God! God is good all the time... even when we dont understand! I cherish you as a friend and you are an amazing person! I am so proud of you.. it took alot of courage to do this and you never know how many people you may help by taking this step of faith!

Sarah said...

\I admire you for doing what it must have taken to share this with us. I am so glad we have a God that loves and cares for us and get us through the worst of times so that we can glorify him in the end. I'll be praying for brighter days ahead!

The Leinwetters said...

hollie, there are a few truths in the bible that God tells us over and over again. Write them down on a post it and keep it in your car dashboard. read them out loud EVERY day until you believe them-

1- God LOVES YOU sooooo much (just the way you are. there is NOTHING you can do to make Him love you more OR less)
2- God is here (everywhere. whether you like it or not)
3- God is enough for me
4- I am enough for God

these truths come from the MOST AMAZING bible study i have ever done called Discover the Life. It totally changed my life. year 28 has taken me to the deepest valley i have ever been to, but from that valley, His fruit grew and through HIM i am finding my way back up the mountain. I know you are too!
I LOVE YOU and you mean more to me than you could know.

there is one more truth from the bible study.
it is- 'what really matters most is people finding Jesus.'

and i think by your openness to share and your "lets be real" mind set, you open the door for so many people who are afraid of not being good enough for God to seek Him and His precious son. Thanks for sharing Hollie.

The Mommy One said...

I found your blog a few months ago, check it sporadically, have never commented, but felt I should tonight. Clap, clap, clap, clap for you. It IS hard! And the sooner mama's start admitting this to ourselves and drop the act the better off we all are. It is so hard to "keep up" with everyone else. Heck, it is hard to "keep up" with myself. Kids kick your tail! And that ain't no lie. Cheers to you! And may 29 be a welcome change.

A Book Bagg said...

I love you...just as you are. And so do a lot of other people. You are blessed & highly favored - even on your worst of days. And know that His strength is perfect. Can't wait to watch 29 unfold. I know it will be the best yet! Love you girl.

Anonymous said...

After seeing your blog several times this showed up...right in my face. it's amazing when God decides to show u certain things. I am proud of you! I know how hard that must have been for you! Around the time u wrote that, I was barely hold myself. It's amazing how we hide behind smiles and words while our hearts break! Satan loves to tell lies and I am proud of u for realizing that! Satan also loves to isolate us...ur never alone! Chances are someone is going through something similar. You can always talk to me! Sorry you have been struggling with this! Love ya!