disclaimer: i wrote this, not as a sob story, but as a testimony of what God is doing in my life. not because of where i have been, but where i am going. as an explanation of the sparse, surfacy posts that have sprinkled my blog over the past year. and maybe, just maybe, there is someone out there who needs this. (and p.s. not for belated happy birthday wishes).
wednesday was my birthday.
i turned 29.
and i am, oh, so glad 28 is over.
honestly, 28 was a really hard year for me.
i have struggled with postpartum depression.
i have never felt so alone.
i have struggled with probably the lowest self-esteem E-V-E-R. in my life.
i have been very hard to love.
i have struggled with anger and resentment.
as a result of the above, our marriage has struggled.
i have been a very bad friend, wife, sister, daughter...well, you get the picture.
and, yes, i have even thought about taking my own life.
i have, so many times, wanted to sit down and write about what I have been going through...
but some things have always stopped me.
pride, not wanting to admit that I am not perfect, and neither is my life.
the feeling that "so many people have way bigger/more serious problems than me".
thoughts like "no one will understand", "they will think i am crazy", "i should just be thankful
that not only do I have a baby, he is healthy." "i need to just suck it up".
i have felt guilty because I have friends who are struggling with infertility.
not wanting to discourage anyone else.
trying to focus on the postive.
not wanting anyone to feel sorry for me.
listening to people tell me that my feelings were normal.
but yet, all these thoughts and feelings (and lies) have only further isolated me.
and made things even worse.
I went to the doctor.
I prayed about it.
Begged God to take it away.
Begged God to never let me feel this way ever again.
Considered getting counseling.
I took an anti-depressant for a while.
While I wouldn't say I am "healed"...
I would say things are SO much better. And yes, I realize that some of this was hormone related.
I am still working through some of the things I mentioned above.
But I feel like another part of me getting better is finally admitting to you, my friends and family,
that I am sooooo not perfect. Which you all knew already. :) haha.
And all this has been hiding behind the "we are doing greats." and "I am doing fines."
I so struggle with being a perfectionist.
But in the worst way.
I hate it about myself.
Really. hate. it.
I always want things to be cleaner. better. prettier. bigger. more creative. etc.
I have a hard time being still, relaxing, and enjoying myself because of it.
I obsess about things that have, not one ounce, of eternal value.
Perfectionism is a happiness killer and a joy stealer.
For me it is a sin, because it seperates me from Him.
And it has wreaked havoc on my life since becoming a mom.
Satan has totally had a stronghold on my messed-up life.
And I am tired. of. it.
i want to be better free.
i want to be real.
i want to come clean before you...like i have done before Him.