Sunday, November 8, 2009

the fog is lifting...

my precious boy!

So, now that I am actually feeling better about
life I feel like I can share what has been going on...

Immediately after I had Rowan I was on cloud 225...
so in love...
in awe...
and overwhelmed with this beautiful baby boy God had given us.
I felt like this for about two weeks.

And then...
I fell from cloud 225 to cloud -225.
While I was still in love,
in awe,
and overwhelmed I became
some other not-so-pleasant things too...

I cried all the time.
I never wanted to be alone.
But I felt all alone. Like no one had ever felt like this before.
I stopped laughing.
I had thoughts like...
What were we thinking?
What was God thinking?
I so wasn't ready for all this.
Why in the world would anyone do this to themselves more than once?
My life is over.
Our life is over.
Will it ever be any easier?
I just can't do this.
I miss the simple times.
I just don't have what it takes.
I just need a break. from everything.
I want to get away from this baby.
I became very hard to live with.
I wanted Alan close by physically, but I pushed him away emotionally.
I was anxious.
And very easily frustrated. By anything, and anyone.
I started to resent Alan for enjoying things.
I just became a hot mess.

I don't know if it was postpartum depression.
I don't know if it was hormones.
I don't know if it was normal.
I don't know if it was a combination of hormones and normal.

But I hated it.

Oh, it was horrible.

I hated myself like that.

I am so glad the fog is lifting...

I am feeling like me again.
I am feeling like life is so much better with Rowan.
Like our life is just beginning...
I am laughing again.
Alot actually. At myself. Because I act so dumb sometimes.
I am hugging (and kissing) my hubby again.
I cherish my off days with my little man.
And miss my boys like crazy while I am at work.
I am stressing less and anxious less.
I hope I am easier to live with...Alan will need to vouch for that.
I can now think about having another one...down the road of course.
I have accepted that we can still go and might just take longer.
I am sooo thankful that God chose us to be Rowan's parents.

And, now, I can't imagine it any other way!

P.S. Please don't feel like I am horrible!


Chris, Lauren and Gage said...! open and honest...always! do people need to hear/read/and share the bet! you are my very best friend in all the world, and the very best mom for rowan and wife for alan...the fog will come and go...but our God will remain the same! I am proud of the friend you have always been, the wife you are, and the mother you have become. 143

Shauna said...

Hollie! Lauren couldn't have said it better!!!!!

It is 100% completely normal to feel that way! So glad your fog is lifting-and it will continue to do so! Days os smiles, laughs and giggles are coming your way--full-speed ahead!

I absolutely love that picture of Rowan-so innocent, pure and perfect.

Please call me anytime you need to talk! Please let's do lunch soon or I'll come over and bring lunch! Let's set-a-date!

*MamaJess* said...

Let me just say... it all sounds VERY NORMAL- especially after reading about Rowan's sleep schedule. Those weeks are some of the toughest as a parent! Everyday will get easier, until those stressful days of no sleep are a distant memory :D Glad your feeling better now!

anythingbutperfect said...

I don't know why we feel compelled to keep the scary parts of motherhood hidden from the rest of the world. Thanks for being honest! There were days after having Madison were my mom would have to come over and physically pull me out of bed. It's normal! But it doesn't seem that way in the moment. Life ahead is good! I can promise ya that. Each day gets a little better and a little easier. Not so overwhelming. It took time for me to get over the guilt I felt for the way I was the first three months or so after Madison...Don't listen to that guilt when it arises! You are a great little mama! Rowan's very lucky! Love ya!

Jill said...

It is so normal. I remember not being "happy" until about the 3 month mark. I was totally in love with my little man, but hated everything I was feeling. Once 3 months hit I felt like I found my role as a mother and now I can absolutely say that even though I have moments of being overwhelmed, it is the most rewarding and wonderful thing that every happened to me.