my precious boy!
So, now that I am actually feeling better about
life I feel like I can share what has been going on...
Immediately after I had Rowan I was on cloud 225...
so in love...
and overwhelmed with this beautiful baby boy God had given us.
I felt like this for about two weeks.
I fell from cloud 225 to cloud -225.
While I was still in love,
and overwhelmed I became
some other not-so-pleasant things too...
I cried all the time.
I never wanted to be alone.
But I felt all alone. Like no one had ever felt like this before.
I stopped laughing.
I had thoughts like...
What were we thinking?
What was God thinking?
I so wasn't ready for all this.
Why in the world would anyone do this to themselves more than once?
My life is over.
Our life is over.
Will it ever be any easier?
I just can't do this.
I miss the simple times.
I just don't have what it takes.
I just need a break. from everything.
I want to get away from this baby.
I became very hard to live with.
I wanted Alan close by physically, but I pushed him away emotionally.
I was anxious.
And very easily frustrated. By anything, and anyone.
I started to resent Alan for enjoying things.
I just became a hot mess.
I don't know if it was postpartum depression.I don't know if it was hormones.
I don't know if it was normal.
I don't know if it was a combination of hormones and normal.
But I hated it.
Oh, it was horrible.
I hated myself like that.
I am so glad the fog is lifting...
I am feeling like me again.
I am feeling like life is so much better with Rowan.
Like our life is just beginning...
I am laughing again.
Alot actually. At myself. Because I act so dumb sometimes.
I am hugging (and kissing) my hubby again.
I cherish my off days with my little man.
And miss my boys like crazy while I am at work.
I am stressing less and anxious less.
I hope I am easier to live with...Alan will need to vouch for that.
I can now think about having another one...down the road of course.
I have accepted that we can still go and do...it might just take longer.
I am sooo thankful that God chose us to be Rowan's parents.
And, now, I can't imagine it any other way!
P.S. Please don't feel like I am horrible!