Monday, October 26, 2009

sleep or the lack of...

well, i haven't really written much about my
experiences as a mother. today i was thinking back
over Rowan's short life and feeling like i need to be
documenting more.

mom always says "you're gonna miss this" and
"it won't be like this for long".

and well...she is right.

so, Rowan, my beautiful baby boy,
drives me crazy

and this is why...

last night for example.

he fell asleep in my arms at 8:00.
i layed him down in his crib at 9:00.
at 10:00 he woke up.
he was awake till 11:00.
then up at 12:45.
then back down till 3:00.
then up at 5:00.
then up at 7:00.
then up for good at 8:00.

i'm exhausted people.

so today we started "crying it out".
before today i have thought it was awfully cruel
for a mother to let her child cry.
especially for 45 minutes.
well, that was awfully judgmental of me.
sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

so i noticed him rubbing his eyes and acting sleepy
around 11:15. i layed him down in his crib.
He cried until 12:10 then fell asleep.
He slept for 25 minutes.

The again around 2:00 he looked sleepy again.
He cried until 2:25. Then slept for 25 minutes.

Then this evening he cried for 13 minutes when i layed
him down. And he slept...i don't know how long.
Not enough time for me to finish the corn chowder
i was making.

Tonight after his bath and lotion and pjs,
i rocked him for 2 minutes and layed him down.

He cried less than one minute.
But then he was up an hour later.
Instead of rescuing him, I reassured him.
And he went back to sleep on his own.

It is 10:00 and this apartment is silent
except for the clanking of the keys as I type this.

Motherhood can be oh, so hard sometimes.
I feel like I don't have a clue what I am doing.
I just don't feel like I am good enough for Rowan.
"Mom guilt" haunts me.

Anyways, I better get to bed.
Who knows when he will be up again.
My beautiful baby boy who i am crazily in love with.


*MamaJess* said...

lack of sleep does TERRIBLE things to us all... it is sooooo hard to do without any sleep for so long. I PROMISE you it will get better. As hard as it is and as guilty as it might make you feel, I have to say I'm a true believer in self soothing. I've got a brother and sister that are 10 and 7 and STILL have a hard time sleeping at night. It BREAKS YOUR HEART to hear them cry, but be consistent for a week and your life will be so much better! God Bless!!

Sara said...

I know all those feelings. I just cried last night for getting on to Kalaya when I hate to do it so much. But I know it's Gods plan for us to teach these children and raise them right. I trust in him.
"Mom guilt" will never leave you- but it gets better. Now we really know what " this is going to hurt me more then it hurts you" means- don't we?
Hollie- you follow the Lord by example and therefore you are a good example. Trust in that and trust in him and know you are a wonderful mom. You're just going through the same things we all have to. We love you so much and if there is anything you need- we're only a phone call away!

Anonymous said...

"Mom Guilt" is one of the things they left out of the baby books and pregnancy books. Nothing prepared me for how consuming mom guilt can be. I finally came to a point where I realize I'm doing the best I can. Sometimes it's the right decision, sometimes it's not. Mom guilt creeps into everything!!! You're doing a wonderful job! Sometimes at the end of the day your sanity has to win. You'll be a better mommy for it. Amy Joslin