sleep or the lack of...

well, i haven't really written much about my
experiences as a mother. today i was thinking back
over Rowan's short life and feeling like i need to be
documenting more.

mom always says "you're gonna miss this" and
"it won't be like this for long".

and well...she is right.

so, Rowan, my beautiful baby boy,
drives me crazy
sometimes.

and this is why...

last night for example.

he fell asleep in my arms at 8:00.
i layed him down in his crib at 9:00.
at 10:00 he woke up.
he was awake till 11:00.
then up at 12:45.
then back down till 3:00.
then up at 5:00.
then up at 7:00.
then up for good at 8:00.

i'm exhausted people.

so today we started "crying it out".
before today i have thought it was awfully cruel
for a mother to let her child cry.
especially for 45 minutes.
well, that was awfully judgmental of me.
sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

so i noticed him rubbing his eyes and acting sleepy
around 11:15. i layed him down in his crib.
He cried until 12:10 then fell asleep.
He slept for 25 minutes.

The again around 2:00 he looked sleepy again.
He cried until 2:25. Then slept for 25 minutes.

Then this evening he cried for 13 minutes when i layed
him down. And he slept...i don't know how long.
Not enough time for me to finish the corn chowder
i was making.

Tonight after his bath and lotion and pjs,
i rocked him for 2 minutes and layed him down.

He cried less than one minute.
But then he was up an hour later.
Instead of rescuing him, I reassured him.
And he went back to sleep on his own.

It is 10:00 and this apartment is silent
except for the clanking of the keys as I type this.

Motherhood can be oh, so hard sometimes.
I feel like I don't have a clue what I am doing.
I just don't feel like I am good enough for Rowan.
"Mom guilt" haunts me.

Anyways, I better get to bed.
Who knows when he will be up again.
My beautiful baby boy who i am crazily in love with.